I NO LONGER WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR EXISTING IN THIS WORLD, SO I’LL UNEQUIVOCALLY SHARE MY STORY.

I had many obstacles growing up. My basic needs weren’t met for food and shelter, which  spilled over into the lack of care of my emotional and mental well-being. After my mother left when I was 12, I ended in the care of my alcoholic father. For the rest of my growing up years, I learned to not talk, not trust, and not tell. What happened behind closed doors stayed there. Outside of the home, I could immerse in sports, friends and work, but by the time I was 16, my father lost our home and my sister and I ended up on the streets to face the world alone. 

My default mode was to work hard. It’s what kept me safe through the tumultuous years and ultimately how I’ve lived the majority of life. I married young, became a mom and walked out a life that was dictated by others. I volunteered my free time, gave back to my community, fostered children, adopted and sacrificed in hopes that it would lessen the pain of others while hiding my own. 

Yet, this small voice inside kept nudging me for more. I went to college, started a career and my confidence started to grow. I found strength to fight back, to fight for my own well-being. I’m proud for doing brave things, even if no one knows I did. After years of living a lie, I packed up my kids and life and moved from my home state to the south.  

This is where my story began. Away from everyone’s opinions, criticism and control, I was able to choose me. I walked away from it all and found myself, for the first time. I found Jamie, the person I was supposed to be before the world got their hands on me. It’s not perfect, but this journey is now mine to walk. I am learning that I matter and I don’t have to apologize for being here. I am worthy of love and of loving myself.  I wasted most of my life not realizing that, yet I sit, understanding the magnitude of breaking free and living wholly. The world tried to convince me I am broken. I had fragmented pieces that needed some glue, but that glue wasn’t something I had to buy, it was the internal work I had to do alone, releasing all that no longer serves me so that I can be me, finally, for the the first time.